The purpose of a relationship starts with yourself, as in having an authentic and loving relationship with yourself. And in saying that it means not denying who you are as a person, being able to accept who you are, being able to relax in relationship to your emotions and your thoughts. Your emotions and thoughts are creating the experiences you are having in this world.
The relationship you have with other people depends on the relationship you have with yourself. It is impossible to love another unless you can love yourself first.
So, in the area of authenticity, a lot of people have a barrier or a limitation in regard to being fully authentic in relationship to how they truly feel about or with another person.
If they choose to fully love themselves, that barrier completely goes, because the reason why the person is usually being inauthentic is because they usually have a need for that person to like them or they have a need for that person to say something in relationship to what they say, to give them feedback or approval.
A classic example would be in a relationship of a couple. The girlfriend says something to the boyfriend for example ‘you don’t ring me’. The girlfriend thinks that this means that the boyfriend doesn’t love me or whatever. Things go on being created in the person’s mindset. They meet the person the next time and they might not say anything because they have a fear that they might upset the other person or they might hurt the other person’s feelings. Or the boyfriend might pick it up and thing that she is a bit weird. And they have a desire or a need to please the other person. They want to keep the relationship going because they have a deep fear within them of being alone.
Hence, I feel myself, that in the whole area of relationships, to be fully there for the other person we have to be fully there for ourselves first.
Otherwise it is impossible to have a healthy relationship, because you are going into the relationship expecting the other person to fix you. No one outside yourself is going to fix you! No one outside yourself is going to make you happy! You are responsible for your happiness.
Many people buy into the myth as seen in movies, ‘oh, if I meet the love of my life, he/she is going to fix me or he/she is going to make me happy, he is going to make me complete, he is going to make me whole’. This is one big lie!!
When we choose to look within, and see that the answer really lies within ourselves and not outside, we can empower ourselves to be fully authentic and have healthy, loving, authentic relationships with ourselves and others.
It all begins with listening to oneself. Listening and having awareness of oneself of what one needs and what one wants in life. And, to follow those needs, those wants, those desires without the need for approval or acceptance or anything else from other people. It’s about doing what makes you feel good.
The first step would really be to listen to oneself. At times, it can take a long time to really listen to oneself.
We all have the should be’s, the must’s and the have to’s in our lives, that are camouflaging what our inner self is really saying to us in our lives.
Really listening to ourselves is like listening to our soul. What is your soul is really wanting to experience in life? It could be out traveling in India, it could be painting, it could be working in an office, it could be driving a car, it could be playing music. it could be anything, the possibilities are endless….
It about listening to that inner voice that is soul.
It all comes back to having love for oneself and not judging what one is experiencing right now. When one is feeling worry or fear in a relationship, its good to become aware of it, and love might mean voicing that fear to the other person, or voicing that anxiety with the other person. This is love because it is the acceptance of who we are as people.
When we are fully loving and accepting of ourselves, particularly for our perceived bad points, we don’t have to judge them and we don’t have to judge what we are actually experiencing in the world.
When we are not coming from a place of love, when we are coming from a place of judgement we are saying that it is not ok to be experiencing fear or anxiety or some negative thought.
Now, there is nothing wrong with judgement, however, if the purpose is for us to fully love ourselves then it really doesn’t serve us.
A lot of people, myself included, have used judgement, as a way of motivating ourselves to get what we want. However, if we are truly loving ourselves, there is a higher probability for us increasing in our own development as a person if we choose to love the experience.
For example, if you see a child there of five years of age that is learning something, and someone is judging them. If the father or mother keeps judging that child, if they keep criticizing that child, there is a high probability, that the child will not progress at an accepted rate. But if the parents gives praise and love to that child there are infinite possibilities for that child, there are no barriers.
When we are coming from a place of judgement we are usually saying that we are not good enough. Whereas the truth is, we actually are good enough.
If someone in relationship feels like they are not good enough, they feel like they need someone to fix them. Their purpose is to love who they really are.
There is a fine line between needing someone and desiring someone in relationship. If you need a person in your life, it’s because you want something in order to feel good about yourself. This can hold you back from being fully authentic with the person you are in a relationship with.
They person might need for themselves to have a certain thing or be a certain way in order for that person to stay in the room, in order for that person to stay in their lives.
Whereas, when the person has a deep love for themselves, they are coming from a completely different place in their lives. You can only grow from that place of love. You don’t have a need to please that other person in order for them to stay sitting next to you.
There are many dysfunctional relationships in the society in which we are living, from divorces, unhappy marriages and breakups.
Many people go into relationships with a lack of knowledge of how relationships work. Many people in dysfunctional relationships end up blaming the other person for their own unhappiness. In truth, we do choose how we feel. To blame another person, actually dis-empowers ourselves. We can look at the power within ourselves, to create and change the thoughts and feelings about the situation irregardless of what the other person is doing.
It all comes back to ourselves. We really don’t have to step outside ourselves, we just have to change the relationship we have with ourselves.
If you meet someone new, and you are feeling uncomfortable around that person, then maybe ask the question ‘how come I feel uncomfortable with this person?’
You have to look at yourself. Because to try to change the other person is an impossibility. Well it is a possibility, but it is really taking the power away from ourselves. For example if you are feeling nervous around other people, do you want them all to change before you change? No!! Really, it’s just easier for ourselves to change ourselves.
My ultimate goal in relationship is to love myself. And this in fact is the first step.
My ultimate goal in relationship is to be fully authentic in every situation. That means to be congruent with myself. Not to be saying things that are just pleasing the other person. To say things that feel right for me rather than trying to please the other person.